


When Love is War

by Starfruit



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future Fish, Arguing, Break Up, Crossdressing, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Manhandling, Mental Breakdown, Probably some eventual, Relationship Problems, Tattoos, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, Verbal Abuse, Yandere, and, yandere!Momo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-09 14:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1986402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starfruit/pseuds/Starfruit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of argument/relationship problem one-shots with different couples.<br/>Chapter 1: Sousuke is possessive of Rin. Chapter 2: Rei and Nagisa discuss the future. Chapter 3: Makoto wants something from Haru and Haru wants something from him. Chapter 4: Sousuke loves Makoto more than he loves himself. Chapter 5: Nitori makes Momotarou feel like a man. Chapter 6: Rin is annoyed by Seijuurou's spending habits, though Seijuurou thinks this is about something else. Chapter 7: Haru might love water more than he loves Rin. Chapter 8: Rin tells Rei that he's not a bad boy to be fixed. Chapter 9: Haru's log of text messages with Sousuke. Chapter 10: Seijuurou teaches Haru that the third time's the charm. Chapter 11: Makoto realizes there might be someone Sousuke hates more than himself. Chapter 12: Nitori falls out of love with Rin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Entirety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke is possessive of Rin.

_I can’t be your whole world, Sousuke. That’s too much pressure._

Rin didn’t even care anymore if the neighboring students could hear. Rather, he was so focused on the discussion at hand that any reluctant eavesdroppers were the least of his problems.

He didn’t know why he still called it a discussion in his head. It was an argument. It was a full-blown, red-in-the face, Shut-up-and-listen argument – their first one to get this bad. Rin hated admitting when there were problems, but there was no denying this issue.

_What? So now you’re going to run to those Iwatobi guys?_

_What do my friends have to do with this? Why do you always drag my friends into this?_

Uhg, Rin wanted to seem like he was standing up for himself, finally putting his foot down on Sousuke’s controlling ways, but he must’ve not seemed that strong with tears steady leaking out and his voice cracking every time he spoke.

_You’re always going over there or having them come here. Why do you always want to spend more time with them than me?_

_We live together! I see you from when I wake up, go to class, to when I fall asleep. If I want to see my friends, I have to arrange a time, so what the hell are you talking about?_

_That’s_ _just what I’m talking about! You **want** to see them. You never **want** to see me anymore, you just do._

_And that’s supposed to be my fault?_

_I never said anything was your fault! I’m just… I don’t know._

Sousuke never had to outright blame anything on Rin. The accusations could be felt in the he said “ _Leaving again tonight?_ ” and “ _I guess I’ll see around. Whatever._ ” Of course his tone would irk Rin, so he would invite Sousuke to come with him or ask if everything was all right. Usually a short back and forth would occur, leading to Rin slamming the door on a sulking Sousuke.

_Well, where do we go from here? Do you want to leave me?_

_No._

The way Sousuke’s eyes darkened and brow furrowed during disagreements scared Rin. Rin wasn’t wimpy, but in a physical altercation, he definitely wouldn’t be able to do much against the burly brunet. It’s the reason why Rin always made sure to stay close to the door when they argued. Just in case.

_Then what do you want to do because I’m tired of having to constantly-_

_Then change! Obviously something’s wrong, so just stop always running to those assholes-_

_Don’t say that about my friends!_

_Okay, okay, that’s not what I meant. I’m just a little ticked off and I didn’t mean to say that._

_I’m not the one that needs to change, Sousuke._

_I’m not the one doing anything wrong._

Rin couldn’t fathom that his lover truly believed that. The redheaded captain could admit that he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend. It was easy for one sour comment from Sousuke to piss Rin off. There were times when Rin did go hang out with his old swim club friends as quiet revenge for Sousuke doing something he didn’t like. Rin once even moaned “Iwatobi” as joke during make-up sex which did not go over well with the comedian’s audience.

_Oh my God, they warned me. Haru and the others even said that you would-_

_You’ve been talking about me to them?_

The growl and step forward made Rin scoot closer to the door. Sousuke scoffed.

_Stop it or I'm leaving._

_You think I’m going to hurt you? If I was going to hurt you, I could’ve **been** done it._

_Why would you say that?_

_You don’t think it’s true? You don’t think I could have you against that door before you could even get it open?_

_Stop it!_

Maybe Rin wanted to test that theory because with his front still facing Sousuke, a hand reached back for the doorknob. Within seconds Rin was squirming against Sousuke’s bulky body, wrists pinned above his head by just one of Sousuke’s hands.

_What did I say? I could hurt you if I wanted to, but I won’t. You’re my whole world, Rin._

Rin’s wrist writhed under Sousuke’s tight grasp.

_Stop, that’s too much pressure!_

_You’re there when I wake up, you’re there during classes, and you’re there when I go to sleep. I can’t go through life without you, Rin. I don’t want you to leave._

_You’ve gone too far._

_I want you to want to see me. I want you to wake up excited that we get to go to class together._

_I did. I used to. Not anymore. Let me go._

_Why not? Why not anymore?_

_It’s too much, Sousuke. I can’t. I’m tired. Please._

Feeling guilt pool heavily in his stomach, Sousuke slowly released his grip on the crying redhead. Rin then silently turned around and opened the door.

_Just please don’t go to them. Please want to see me again._

And those were the last words Sousuke was able to utter before his whole world walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to do different pairings and situations, so give me a few if you want I guess. 
> 
> ...I guess I really like writing relationship problems and arguing couples, because that's literally all this is going to be.


	2. Possibilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei and Nagisa discuss the future.

“Is this all a joke to you?” Rei asked, unable to look Nagisa in the eyes as the blond’s laughter came to an abrupt halt. 

“Come on, Rei-chan,” Nagisa sing-songed. “I’m just lightening the mood.” 

“So, then it is,” The blue-haired boy wore a sad smile. “It’s all just a joke to you.” 

Nagisa stuck his tongue out. “No need to be so serious, Rei-chan~” 

Rei closed the book in front of him shut with a loud thud. He stood from the small table strewn with pencils and papers. “I’m going home.” 

“Wait, wait, why are you leaving?” Nagisa whined, in the middle of balancing his pencil on his upper lip. 

“I’m sick of worrying about you for _you_!” Rei shouted a little louder than he meant. 

“You don’t have to worry about me,” Nagisa assured, pretending to get back to filling out the career questionnaire. 

He really wanted to avoid an argument. It was this time of the semester that strained Haru and Makoto’s relationship last year. Nagisa didn’t think the same thing would happen to him and Rei yet here they were. 

“Of course, I do, you idiot!” Rei felt his face heating up. “I care about you and your future, but whenever it’s time to give this next year any serious thought, you want to talk about penguins and nonsense!” 

“I said sorry! I’ll stop!” Nagisa promised. What a lie. 

Rei stamped his foot because somehow, this sentence made him even angrier. 

“You’ve said that so many times now!” Rei could feel the heat of his face causing his eyes to water. More than anything he hoped it didn’t seem like he was crying. “Do you even care about going to the same university as me? I don’t want to be alone, but it’s like you don’t even care! You just want to play around like everything is the same, but things are changing so you can’t keep acting like a child!” 

Something in Nagisa snapped. He was tired of hearing that. From Rei, Rin, the others, his teachers, and sisters and parents. Was it because every time someone asked what he wanted to do, he changed his answer? “An astronaut!” “A chef!” “A policeman!” “Wouldn’t I be cool as a firefighter?” Of course they were all jokes. Playful suggestions to hide the cruel reality that despite being a third year in high school, Nagisa had no idea what he wanted to do. 

He knew it wasn’t Rei’s duty and he was pushing unfair expectations onto his boyfriend, but for a long time he had been hoping that Rei would help him figure things out. Instead of being the support Nagisa was wishing for, Rei pressured him to hurry up with finding a career path just like everyone else. What did knowing your future have to do with being an adult? So what if all he knew about college was that he wanted to spend that time with Rei? 

“I don’t get it,” Nagisa said darkly with his head hanging low. “Everyone keeps saying that. Everybody keeps calling me a child.” 

The blond slammed his fists down onto the table making several pencils roll off and away as though trying to escape Nagisa’s wrath. Rei just stared down at him in amazement. He didn’t think he’d ever seen a side of Nagisa like this. Part of him felt bad for drawing it out and part of him felt intrigued about what this Nagisa had to say. 

“I don’t know what I want to do, okay? Do you think I like that? Do you think it’s fun being unsure? It’s so scary. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever felt in my life – that everyone else might leave me behind to rot like the memory of a missing kid. I don’t want to be forgotten and useless, but how am I supposed to just suddenly figure out what I want to dedicate every day of my life to until I die? How am I supposed to just _know_ that?” Nagisa huffed, taking a pause in his rant then looked up at Rei with an expression that the butterfly swimmer had surely never knew Nagisa could even make. 

Rei opened his mouth to say something, but Nagisa went on, “And you’re supposed to help me! More than anyone, I expected you to understand that I don’t know and yelling at me isn’t going to help me figure it out…” His darkness faded away into a mess of tears and sniffles. “I don’t want you to be alone either. I don’t want to be left alone. I want _my_ future to be **_our_** future, so I’m sorry that I don’t have all the pieces together yet…” 

Rei knelt down and wiped a few of Nagisa’s tears despite his own still drying on his cheeks. “Nagisa… I’ll never know how you feel or what you’re thinking if you don’t tell me. This whole time you were kidding around while harboring your own fears…” 

Nagisa was sobbing uncontrollably now. Rei wasn’t even mad anymore, so he didn’t know why. “I just… want to see… you smile, Rei-chan… I don’t want to… make anybody sad with my problems…” His snorts and whimpers in between words were impossibly cute. Rei was almost distracted by this thought when he realized something. 

He picked up a piece of paper and a pencil. 

“What are you doing?” Nagisa asked, slowly regaining his composure. 

“You like to make people happy,” Rei said, writing the information down. “Maybe you could be a comedian or sitcom writer!” 

“Huh?” 

“We’ll make a list of things you like to do and see which ones you can make a career out of!” 

Nagisa blinked away the last of his tears and mumbled, “I like rockhopper penguins…” 

“Zookeeper!” 

“I also like sweets.” 

“Baker!” 

“I like Rei-chan!” 

“There’s nothing we can do with that!” 

And just as abruptly as the laughter halted, it returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't that bad considering they made up in the end. I want to write another more ambiguously ending Reigisa. 
> 
> I want to write a MakoHaru argument so bad, but, man is that a challenge. Just wait. I'm gonna do it though.
> 
> But SouMako. Oh yeah. I'm up for writing that.


	3. Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto wants something from Haru and Haru wants something from him.

They only said a few words to each other at practice. And even those short exchanges didn't carry the same warmth that they used to.

Pretty much everyone around them had picked up on it. That a twisted alteration had formed in their relationship.

It was Makoto who had dropped the strings but something in the silence felt like Haru had cut them.

Makoto just couldn't do it anymore. When he helped Haru out of a pool, he didn't want to let go of his hand. When he told Haru congratulations on a win, he wanted to give him a kiss afterwards. When he always fell second place to several liters of water, he felt utterly ridiculous.

He thought he could be happy just being Haru's friend. He constantly reminded himself that that was enough, but it wasn't. For years, it wasn't. For several painful long years, it wasn't nearly enough.

So, Makoto started letting Haru get himself out of the tub every morning. He let Haru make his own lunches, study with his own notes, and live his own life. Meanwhile, Makoto would relearn how to do things without having to look over his shoulder to check on someone else.

He taught himself how to not worry about someone who was indifferent to his cares. How to be happy that he was his own adult and not his crush's mother. He even began to teach himself how to shatter the self-hatred that came with being closeted.

Haru was making much less lee-way in his new, independent life than Makoto. He didn't realize how much Makoto had kept him from knowing. He was amazed by how well taken care of he had been. Still, this epiphany dragging in a wave of helplessness would not make Haru fall madly in love with Makoto.

Makoto had never said the reason why he stopped doting on the raven-haired boy, because they both knew it.

After practice one day, Haru handed Makoto a CD.

"I thought you might want this back," the freestyler said gently.

He was a bit disappointed when all Makoto did was smile, take the disk, and say, "Thanks."

"Sorry," Haru said suddenly as Makoto tried to walk away.

All the other members had headed home and Makoto wanted to do the same, but this word hit him like an icy wind freezing him in place. He turned to Haru, still smiling.

"I don't understand," he lied.

"For being such a burden to you all this time," Haru said. He would never admit it, mostly because now he felt like he had no one to talk to, but he never felt so frustrated before. To him, Makoto's abandonment made him seem like the greasy type of guy who was only nice to get something out of it.

Makoto's eye twitched, he could feel himself getting irritated. It was strange how much he could see through Haru yet how Haru couldn't look to deep enough into Makoto's decisions.

"You weren't a burden," Makoto explained. "I did those things because I wanted to."

"And now you don't want to?" Haru asked.

"Yes," Makoto smiled wider and nodded. "Now, I don't."

He moved like he was going to walk away, but Haru continued.

"Why?"

Even if Haru didn't know the full depth of the why, he still had picked up on the cues to some extent. This was just him wanting to hear it out loud. It was just him asking for a confirmation that he must've known would rip Makoto's heart straight out his chest and cut it up as bad as the strings that once linked them together.

"It's complicated," Makoto struggled to say after swallowing hard.

"I've got time," Haru said, icy blue eyes locked with dimming green ones.

Makoto's cheeks hurt from having to keep this happy look plastered on his face, but it's not like he hadn't had years of practice. He took a second to glance behind him to make sure that he and Haru were alone then asked, "Why are you doing this?"

"I just want to know why," Haru said honestly with a shrug. Makoto essentially promised Haru an easy life with no strings attached and then let go of those secret strings when he fully figured out just what that meant. Haru felt cheated, deserted, betrayed in a way that he deemed grimy and violating. Was Makoto's kindness all expecting something else in exchange?

"Because…" Makoto's grin dropped in moment, his face becoming contorted with pure anguish. He covered his pained expression with his large hands. "Because it just started to hurt too much."

"What did?"

"You already know, so why do you keep asking?"

Haru stood firm in his interrogation. Even if Makoto fell to his knees and began bawling out his soul right then and there, Haru felt he still had a right to a full explanation. He wasn't heartless and felt a little bad for his former best friend, but he couldn't let that pity distract his curiosity.

"Isn't a little sloppy?"

The question cut the backstroke swimmer fast and quiet like a skillfully trained assassin.

"I can do things for myself, but still…" Haru glanced away from Makoto and stared at the pool. He was being so honest, tone straight-forward and raw. "I feel a bit disappointed."

"Sorry," Makoto half-laughed. "Sorry I disappointed you. Sorry for giving you an independent life-"

"You were the one who took it away in the beginning," Haru's eyes snapped back onto Makoto. Man, this was bothering him. Maybe because it was years. So many years felt… wasted.

Makoto just glowered at the ground, shaking, and tears dripping freely from his eyes. His was too taken by some other emotion to even be embarrassed. He didn't even know what this feeling was. Anger? Sadness? Love? Was it  _still_  love?

"I'm sorry. I cared about you so much and thought that maybe I could do it," Makoto tried to defend himself. "Maybe I could spend the rest of my life beside you as your best friend and be content. I thought I loved you so much that I could live off of just your happiness alone, but I failed and now you don't even know how to do the things I did for you. My young self didn't know how the love of a man worked. I only knew what it meant to love as a brother and child, so I treated you as my parents treated me or how I knew to take care of Ren and Ran. It was wrong of me, but I didn't know how else to express myself. I'm sorry."

"Now you're treating me as though you hate me."

"That's not it at all! I don't hate you... I just hate being around you. Like treading water right at the pool edge, but never finishing the race. It's crushing."

"What does finishing the race mean?" Haru questioned, now looking at his nails. "If I have sex with you, will you take care of me again?"

Makoto felt like he was going to vomit. Is that really what Haru thought this was about? Was that a real offer or a hypothetical? Would Makoto be a terrible person for taking him up on the deal if he were serious? He shook that thought from his mind. That kind of trade would mince the last of Makoto's sanity into unrecognizable bits.

"Well, would-"

"You really don't get it," Makoto returned to smiling brightly which contrasted horrifically with the tear stains scoring two lines from his eyes to his chin. "Do you, Haru?"

The freestyler wasn't prepared for Makoto to raise his voice.

"What did you even see me as?" Makoto demanded.

"A friend."

"Don't lie."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I was your butler. I love you, Haru, but what you're asking of me is selfish. I can't be what I was to you anymore. I can't."

"I'm selfish?" Haru growled. How had the tables turned on him? He was so sure Makoto was the one in the wrong here. "I can only choose for you to be my lover or nothing at all to me? My friendship is useless to you?"

"You were never my friend! I was enslaved to the idea of you loving me someday, so much that I can't remember knowing you as my friend!"

"So now what? I disappear?"

"Maybe one day…" Makoto started, voice sinking with sadness and improbable wishful thinking. "One day, we'll both be adults who can be around each other but not depend on each other and I'll have found someone to love even half as much as I loved you. And we'll have forgotten one another just a bit, but still managed to be perfectly happy. Then we'll meet and be able to be proper friends, but right now… I can't do that now."

Haru fought back some tears that he hadn't expected himself to develop and made his way to the exit.

"Then I'll look forward to that day.

Goodbye, Makoto."

And with that following silence, the strings that once connected them were dropped, cut, and abandoned. A hope lied in each of their hearts that a time would come where two self-reliant adults would come and pick the strings back up at a better place than where the teens left off.


	4. Drag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke loves Makoto more than he loves himself.

Sousuke never knew fear the way he dreaded the idea of Makoto figuring out how perfect he was. Makoto was an actual angel on Earth and Sousuke was absolute crap in comparison. Makoto was kind, gentle, and honest with a light laugh that made whole rooms shine a bit brighter. Sousuke was blunt, too abrasive, and rather than brightening anything, Sousuke's dull words often silenced lively conversations.

Sousuke wondered if Makoto was oblivious to Sousuke's actual shittiness. He speculated that Makoto didn't know his own worth. There were even times when Sousuke angered himself by considering the idea that Makoto was dating him out of sheer sympathy.

He can't quite give an exact date of when it started, all he knew was that he wished he could rewind to that point and stop it.

"You look like you've gained weight again, Mako," Sousuke laughed as they got of the pool. He squeezed Makoto's hard thigh. "You won't be able to swim if you get fat."

"Oh, you're right," Makoto blushed and he raked a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

When they were out with friends, no one questioned why Sousuke ate whatever he want, but Makoto picked at salads he never finished.

"Are those zits?" Sousuke asked, pulling away from a kiss. They were in Makoto's room, about to head to karaoke night with their friends. "Mako, we shouldn't go out tonight. You'll embarrass me."

Makoto touched his face in a panic and Sousuke laughed, tugging his hands away.

"If you do that," Sousuke said. "You'll get even more."

"Oh, no," Makoto fidgeted. "What should I do? I'm sorry that we can't go out…"

"It's fine," Sousuke placed another kiss smoothly on Makoto's lips. "We'll just stay in this time."

Makoto spent the next day trying out more face masks and creams than he even knew existed.

Makoto lost to a Samezuka swim club member by only a few milliseconds. While helping him out of the pool, Sousuke whispered into his ear, "Wow, is that the swimming of a proper captain?"

Makoto made sure to do more than a few extra laps that practice.

"There's no way you're actually that stupid, right, Mako?" Sousuke chuckled, nuzzling into the nape of his lover's neck as they sat around, snuggled together and watching game shows. Makoto had gotten just one question wrong. Sousuke was so afraid of saying the incorrect answer, he never said his guesses aloud.

"S-sorry…" Makoto muttered, tightening his grip on Sousuke's hands which rested on his stomach.

That night Makoto cried at his own worthlessness. Why did he feel like such piss in comparison to Sousuke? Why was he so fat, ugly, and dumb while dating a sexy, gorgeous, and smart swimmer with a future ahead of him? He hated himself. He couldn't stand that he wasn't good enough for Sousuke and yet the dark haired brunet was sweet enough to still give him the light of day.

Sousuke didn't know how he started, but it felt impossible to stop now. Beating Makoto down had become second nature to him. It was a hobby he excelled at, almost better than his swimming. He formulated just how to say things to disguise it as concern. He knew just the right times to attack and even spaced out his verbal assaults enough as to not let Makoto catch on to his scheme.

A small section of him could confess that he enjoyed it. There was something pleasurable in seeing how much his opinions affected Makoto. How one "Why're you soft here?" changed Makoto's eating habits and workout routine. How a small comment like "You've gotten even darker." made Makoto carry around an umbrella and spend more time indoors.

"What are you doing?" Rin asked as he watched Makoto sit on Haru's bedroom floor and apply bleaching cream.

"Sousuke thinks I've gotten dark," Makoto said, all rainbows and sunshine.

"Okay," Rin drew the word out before pointing to some diet pills beside Makoto. "And what's that?"

"Oh, Sousuke thinks I've gotten fat," Makoto said, happily shaking the near empty bottle.

"Huh," Rin huffed, a disturbing pattern falling together in his mind. "…Dude, are you wearing make-up?"

"Just some foundation, a little lip balm, and a touch of eyeliner," Makoto explained. "Sousuke thinks I look better this way."

Haru put his book down on his pillow and asked from where he was lying on his bed, "Makoto, do you think Sousuke is good for you?"

He never encountered this question, but now that he gave it a little thought, he had liked himself before dating Sousuke. He had thought he was a perfectly healthy good-looking teen, but since Sousuke, all he saw in himself were the flaws his lover insisted were there.

"Am I ugly?" Makoto asked Sousuke one day as they lied curled up on the taller boy's bed.

"I don't think so," Sousuke said, stroking his boyfriend's hair. "But who knows what others think of you."

Makoto paused, debating whether or not he should reveal his true feelings. Eventually, they slipped out.

"You make me feel ugly."

Sousuke's stomach twisted into a dozen and one knots. Had he been found out?

"What makes you say that?" Sousuke asked lovingly, still petting Makoto's head.

"I hate myself. I never hated myself before you came along."

Sousuke let out a hearty laugh and his next words made Makoto untangle himself from the larger teen's grasp.

"Makoto. You can't blame me for your dumb insecurities."

Makoto felt disgusted. Was this really the same suave person he had fallen for? The one who had drenched him with nothing but praises? The one who had given him the nickname "angel?"

Makoto's face must've given away everything he was thinking because Sousuke's smile quickly faded away.

"What's wrong?" Sousuke asked as though he hadn't just sledge hammered Makoto's heart.

"I'm not fat. Or stupid," Makoto stated with his conviction dangling on a tightrope.

"Who are you telling?" Sousuke's tone was dark and condescending, much more open in its cruelty than any of his other criticisms.

"Since when were you like this?" Makoto cried.

Sousuke really didn't know and truly wished he could stop, but he didn't know how. He was so scared of Makoto finding out that he was a bad person yet somewhere down the line he had become a terrible person.

"Don't get mad at me just because I made you realize you're not perfect," Sousuke sighed. He couldn't believe himself. Why was he saying this?

Makoto couldn't help but weep.

"You're not Sousuke! I want the tender Sousuke back…"

The bigger brunet scoffed, looking away from his sobbing boyfriend. "Cry like a little bitch all you want, but what you see is what you get. If you couldn't figure out the real me, then that's your problem for being a dumbass."

He wanted to turn off this bad boy façade and return to being the below average piece of crap that  _still_  didn't deserve Makoto. He wanted to beg for them to start over and promise to be a better partner, but his mouth kept spewing vile.

"I take back what I said before because I definitely think this gross crying face you're doing now is ugly."

Makoto wiped tears away with the back of his hand and ignored the new ones forming. He swallowed the painful lump in his throat.

"Why?" he said. "Why do you want me to feel like absolute crap?"

Sousuke threw a pillow across the room in a feral rage. He glared down at his clenched fists.

"Because you did it first!" he shouted. "You were so perfect that I fell in love with you without realizing that I can't stand next to you confidently at all. You created a whole new standard of expectations that I just can't live up to. So, I thought if I couldn't clamber up to where you are, I would drag you down with me. I'm complete and total shit, Mako. I'm so screwed up I think I just talk out my ass. You're perfectly fit. Your skin is perfect. Your backstroke is perfect. You're perfectly smart. So bright, it's blinding, you're a perfect angel, Mako. You're beautiful."

"Sousuke…"

Now humiliated for several different reasons, Sousuke covered his reddening face with his hands and continued spilling out everything's he's wanted to say.

"I'm sorry I made you feel as bad as I felt. I'm sorry I'm not the mature, dazzling man that you deserve, Mako. Most of all, I'm sorry that I even let you waste your precious time on someone as worthless as me."

Sousuke was surprised to feel soft, warm lips on his temple and turned to look at Makoto with wide eyes. Makoto took his partner's hands into his own, rubbing his thumb along Sousuke's.

"I'm not ugly," Makoto reiterated. "And I'm  _not_  dumb. I chose to be with you because I know you  _are_  worthy of my love and you're kind of stupid for thinking otherwise."

Makoto snickered a bit and Sousuke couldn't help chuckling with him.

"I still want to be with you but," Makoto said. "You're going to have to change! No more self-doubt or being so critical of yourself. Just trust that I love you for all your strengths and faults."

Sousuke's gave him a deadpan look.

"See," he remarked with little emotion. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You're so perfect, you'll even forgive an idiot like me!" Sousuke then grinned from ear to ear and Makoto let out the laugh that lit Sousuke's heart and Sousuke no longer had anything to be afraid of in their relationship. His angel now knew just how perfect he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I like making Sousuke a little bit of a dick. I think I want to write a sequel to this one, because this relatioship can't be so easily patched up with Makoto saying, "Hey, have better self-esteem! ;P"


	5. Manhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nitori makes Momotarou feel like a man.

“ _I’m not a girl._ ”

The statement was obvious, but still needed reiterating. Nitori stood before Momotarou in pink lace panties and a matching bra. He covered his bulge (how unbecoming of a lady) with his hands.

Momotarou sat on the bottom bunk’s edge, drinking in the glorious sight of Nitori in women’s lingerie. He snapped a few pictures with his phone then set the device to the side.

“ **I know.** ”

Momotarou hooked a finger into the hem of the cute underwear and pulled Nitori towards him until the smaller boy fell into his lap.

“ **You’re much better than a girl.** ”

“ _Why do you say that?_ ”

“Because I don’t have to sneak you in the dorm,” “Because I have dirt on you,” “Because you _actually let me_ have sex with you.” The truth wasn’t always necessary.

“ **Because you’re cuter than any girl.** ”

“ _You’re just saying that._ ”

“ **Come on, Ai-chan, why are you being like this?** ”

Momotarou kissed Nitori’s adorable little beauty mark.

“ _I don’t want to do this anymore._ ”

For just a second, Momo’s face fell and his eyes swam with a darkness that Nitori didn’t catch. Just for a second.

“ **What are you talking about, Ai-chan? This is just something dating adults do.** ”

“ _Then I don’t want to date you anymore._ ”

Nitori huffed. He was about to remove himself from Momotarou’s lap, but the younger boy seized his waist and held him in place.

“ **Don’t be like this now. I don’t like it when you’re like this.** ”

“ _That hurts…_ ”

Momotarou loosened his grip and his fading smile returned full force.

“ **Sorry, sorry! Ah, isn’t it funny how you say you’re not a girl, but I can hold you down like you are one?** ”

The orange-haired boy’s laughter didn’t sound genuine or annoyingly stupid like usual. It’s uncharacteristic huskiness scared Nitori.

“ _Momo, I don’t like this._ ”

“ **Why not~? Because you’re crossdressing or… because of me?** ”

“ _I don’t know how to answer that._ ”

“ **The truth.** ”

“ _But you never tell me the truth. You’re always texting girls and going out places, saying it’s for studying, but-_ ”

“ **But what?** ”

Momotarou’s fingers dug into Nitori’s bare skin making him cringe from the pain. Nitori tried, in vain, to pry off Momo’s possessive hands. Momotarou’s wilted expression now lasted for much longer than a second.

“ **You think I’m lying. That’s hurtful, Ai-chan.** ”

“ _You’re hurting me!_ ”

“ **I really don’t mean to.** ”

“ _I hate this! You always do whatever you want!_ ”

“ **And you don’t?** ”

Momotarou raised an eyebrow then wrapped his arms around Nitori and pulled the boy even closer. He nuzzled into Nitori’s neck, mind becoming fuzzy with the feminine scent of floral sweetness. Momotarou bought all of Nitori’s toiletries, transforming their bathroom into a thing of his-and-hers circumstances.

“ **You’ve been doing things you don’t want to? That’s stupid.** ”

Nitori clutched onto Momotarou’s shoulders, shaking.

“ _For you. I wanted to make you happy._ ”

“ **You wanted to then. You’re the one who’s wanted this all along. Why are you getting so mad at me?** ”

“ _I’ll keep dressing up for you if you stop talking to girls._ ”

“ **…Hey, did you know that divorce courts consider withholding from sex as a form of emotional abuse?** ”

Momotarou’s sick smirk twisted Nitori’s stomach.

“ **If we got married, what a bitchy wife you would be.** ”

Again with that un-Momotarou-like laughter. Nitori used this chance to catch Momotarou of guard and push himself out of the other boy’s hold. He unceremoniously fell to floor.

“ _I’m not a girl!_ ”

“ **Why do you keep saying that?** ”

Momotarou not-so-gently placed his foot on Nitori’s crotch, pressing down just a little too hard. Nitori cried out and attempted to crawl away, but Momotarou was over him, pinning his arms down on either side. Momo’s knee replaced his foot but exuded the same intense pressure.

“ **I’m not an idiot, Ai-chan. I know you’re not.** ”

A scoff.

“ **Do you think you’re just a replacement? That you’re just convenient? That I don’t love you?** ”

“ _Wow, Momo-kun… I’ve never heard you be so honest._ ”

This tore into Momotarou deeper than what he was ready for and that infuriated him. His knee pushed down more forcefully onto Nitori’s sensitive area, drawing out pained mewls and whimpers.

“ **You’re the faggot who seduced me in the first place! Your cute face and angelic voice are lies you roped me in with and now _you’re_ mad at _me?_ That’s not fair, Ai-chan. That’s just not fair. It’s really hurtful**.”

“ _Rin-sen-!_ ”

Momotarou silenced Nitori by lifting off of him and turning him over. He overlapped the boy’s wrists and held them in place high on his back causing the smaller boy’s shoulders to ache. Momotarou used his free hand to cover Nitori’s mouth. He whispered into his senpai’s ear.

“ **Of course you would call for the captain. I’m your boyfriend. I’m your protector, so don’t call for another man. Besides, don’t you think he’d be disgusted if he saw all those indecent pictures I have of you?** ”

Any sign of struggle rapidly exited Nitori’s body and he lied down quietly.

“ **…and _I’m_ the liar. You change your tune so quickly when the captain is dragged into things. Now, let me do what I want… Don’t be this way. Don’t give me that face. Don’t cry. I do love you, Ai-chan. But you have to accept that this is just what dating adults do.** ”

The truth wasn’t always necessary.

“ **Besides,** ”

Momotarou’s whispers were like dark fairytales in Nitori’s ears as a pink lacy bra was popped loose.

 

“ **You’re much better than a girl.** ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's so much going on here I'm probs going to write a prequel sequel something.


	6. Constant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is annoyed by Seijuurou's spending habits, though Seijuurou thinks this is about something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TattooArtist!Seijuurou x CollegeStudent!Rin is something that (for some reason) my mind can't let go of. I'm just going to post this as is for now because I feel like if I don't I'll fuddle with it until it's to my liking instead of like... sleeping. 
> 
> Also, this is a longer one. Idkyyyyy

Rin thought of himself as a generally calm and collected person. He usually lived off a good balance of logic and passion… except for when he didn’t. He could admit he had his moods. Often enough, later on he would be able to apologize and say it was his fault. It wasn’t this that made their relationship rocky. In fact, if anything, there were times when Rin’s pissy attitudes strengthened their bond. It gave them the feeling that they could communicate properly and jump any hurdle… except when they couldn’t.

Because though there were times when Rin was just upset for the sake of being upset (slamming doors and yelling things like “Do you even care?”), there were also times where Rin genuinely believed Seijuurou was being a complete tool (cleaning up the apartment as he shouts, “What have you been doing all day?”). When Rin was ticked off, Seijuurou could handle it – keep a cool head and say sorry for things that aren’t his fault – easy. When Rin was enraged, Seijjurou had a hard time not getting swept up in the anger and losing his head. Like two dogs barking at one another, trying to break from their chains, ready to attack.

Seijuurou came home from drinking, only a little tipsy and with a single thing on his mind – the new video game he bought. If he were more sober, he probably would’ve hid the purchase from Rin who tried to keep tabs on where Seijuurou was spending.

Rin was in college with a part-time tutoring job that he kind of sucked at while Seijuurou had quit school the second semester of his third year and instead became a tattoo artist. He and Rin had been together for a year at this point which was a really tumultuous time for Seijuurou who constantly found himself crying to Rin and saying things like “I don’t know I want to do anymore. I’m so scared.” The younger redhead stayed with him through it all despite the bickering with parents, the drinking, the misplaced anger, and the deep depression.  

This episode ended much more neatly than what Seijuurou expected and with him having learned a lot about himself. For instance, swimming as career would have ruined his love for the sport. It wasn’t his passion as much as something he was passionate about. He eventually came to realize how much he loved his body and other’s bodies and all the things you could do to it. It was beginning of his second semester of his second year that he decided to get a tattoo and then really started delving into body modification. He started to practice art and design, hang around tattoo parlors, and do some untrained piercing around town. His pursuit of being a tattoo artist caused him to drop out of school. With no dorm or approving parents to go home to, he crashed in friends’ studio apartments until he convinced Rin to get a place with him.

What a shitty idea. It was a terrible idea. When Rin asked his friends what they thought of it, they all replied “Uhh…” except Haru who said, “That’s a terrible idea.” And it was.

Seijuurou noted how Rin must’ve just tidied up as he turned on his (he bought it) game system and then his (he bought this too) television to play his game (which he secretly bought).

What a mess he must’ve seemed like. His flaming hair stuck up in different directions as a he wore a dirty gray headband, a black tank top with some rips, and khaki shorts that would make a fashion-lover gag. His completely tatted upper half was greatly exposed and even the crashing golden waves on his right calf.

He yawned as he clicked through the boring start screen then sat back for the opening cut scene, lax and putting lazy thought into if he should get another piercing (his left eyebrow had two rings, he loved his single lip stud, and his ears had all sorts of bars and metal cutting through).

“Are you just now getting bac- What are you doing?” Rin asked sleepily as he came from out the bedroom.

“Playing game,” Seijuurou answered in an almost caveman-like manner.

“You bought another game?” It wasn’t so much a question as much as it was Rin trying to gauge how mad he was. “…How much was it?”

“You know,” Seijuurou said. He was near comprehending the error of his ways, the sin that he had just easily admitted to. “As much as a game costs. You know.”

“So you went out drinking with your friends and bought something frivolously. Again,” Rin sighed. “You can’t keep doing this. We can’t afford it. You need to start telling your co-workers and friends no because we need money to pay rent, eat, and put into our savings, not so you can go out partying every night.”

“Okay,” Seijuurou said, praying that would be the end of the conversation… except it wouldn’t.

“Are you even listening to me?” Rin snarled.

“Yeeeesssss…” Seijuurou said slowly, raising an eyebrow as he got the feel for cutting dudes’ heads off. “Totally.”

“Really? Because I feel like what I’m saying is falling second fiddle to what you’re doing.”

“You’re right, you’re right.”

“You’re not even listening.”

“Whatever you say.”

It was at this moment - recognizing the robotic responses - that Rin’s anger went from 10 to 100. He marched over to the TV and turned it right the fuck off.

“What the hell?” Seijuurou hollered, standing up.

“Why do you still act like a kid? We barely have anything saved up and here you are playing around constantly! Do you know how childish that looks?” Rin stamped his foot on the ground.

“What do we even need to save up for? What I’m doing is not that big of a deal. You’re just trying to turn something small into a huge thing like I don’t know, it’s weird.”

“Anything could happen, Seijuurou! Who knows? The only thing I know is that we wouldn’t have enough saved up to be prepared for it!”

“Well, sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll stop then!”

“You’ve been saying that for the past month and you still come back late, and drunk, and having bought some useless crap!”

“Maybe I wouldn’t come back so late if I didn’t think I would be walking in to you nagging me all the time.”

Oh God, Rin could feel the argument going in _that_ direction. There were two things that Seijuurou said during fights that made Rin see red. Whenever he heard these things, he contemplated tackling his boyfriend to the ground and ripping his freaking stupid head off. One thing was when Seijuurou called Rin a bitch. He could handle douche, prissy, asshole, whatever. He even let the taller redhead get away with calling him a faggot once which was probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing and if he ever said it again, Rin would surely be set off. But it was guaranteed that anytime Seijuurou called Rin a bitch, he was in for it.

The other thing Seijuurou would say that absolutely infuriated Rin was his lover mentioning Makoto. The two former captains had quietly dated for a few months towards the end of Makoto’s high school career, but they broke up when Seijuurou admitted to having been head over heels in love with Rin for a long time. Despite his broken heart, the kind brunet helped Seijuurou win Rin’s affections. It was supposed to be a happy ever after, the relationship with Rin that Seijuurou always pictured, but life wasn’t that simple.

Now, Seijuurou used Makoto as a way to make Rin feel like a bad boyfriend, which was really messed up since Rin had told Seijuurou about his insecurities of being compared to Makoto. He knew he wasn’t as patient or submissive sexually or understanding, but he hoped those aspects of himself wouldn’t make Seijuurou regret breaking up with Makoto.

It was ominous. There was something brewing in this dispute leaving Rin to feel those comments lurking in the ugly desperation of Seijuurou’s defensive claims.

“I wouldn’t ‘nag’ if you came home at a decent hour instead of waking me up in the middle of the night when I have school in the morning! And it’s especially hard not to say anything when you reek of booze and have spent half your paycheck on stupid stuff!”

“Who cares how I spend my money? It’s mine! You don’t buy shit around here, what does money matter to you?”

“The little I do make goes towards rent for this apartment you love to make a mess of and food you and your friends love to devour in one sitting.”

“Oh!” Seijuurou shouted with a smile and clap of his hands. “I get it now! I get what this is all about.”

He sat back down and laughed a little. “You’re mad because I’m the breadwinner. I’m the husband and my competitive wife feels like he’s losing some game, is that it?”

Rin has to close his eyes to regain his composure. That’s not it! …was what he wanted to say but suddenly a fragment of his anger turned into fear that Seijuurou’s statement might be true.

“That’s not it,” Rin finally managed to get out, still standing firmly in front of the TV. He glared down at Seijuurou who was sitting confidently on the couch.

“Are you sure? Are you sure this isn’t your way of trying to even the playing field? Like I’m some dumb muscle who can’t manage his money or take care of his own apartment, so I’m just the brawn doing the heavy lifting while you’re the brains?” He picked up the remote and turned on the television to see a GAME OVER screen. “Just admit that you want me to feel like I need you. Like you aren’t…”

Oh no.

“Just…”

He’d better not say it.

“My…”

Rin swore he’d kill him.

“Bitch.”

Rin was ready. He was a dog off the chain, huffing and snapping away. He had thought of every hurtful thing he could say to Seijuurou. He was going to mention how an idiot like Momotarou made a better captain than him. How Seijuurou was too dumb to stay in school. How he wasn’t even that good of a tattoo artist. How his parents were probably right for ignoring their gay slacker son who had found a way to be mediocre in absolutely every aspect of his life. He going to laugh about how Makoto had told Rin that sometimes he had thought about breaking up with Seijuurou while they were dating because he worried that Seijuurou was going nowhere in the world. How Rin sometimes thought about removing the tattoo Seijuurou had inked into the front lower left of his hip.

It was supposed to read as the English word “Mine.” It was supposed to be something loving and easy since Seijuurou and Rin both had been drinking a little. The aspiring artist was also relatively inexperienced in tattooing anyone other than himself.

“I can do it,” he had said, slurring slightly. “It’ll be really sexy, let me do it.”

Back then, certain things didn’t tick Rin off as bad (they hadn’t been living together at this point), so when Seijuurou made an off-handed comment about how Makoto would’ve probably let him do it, Rin agreed.

It was supposed to read as the English word “Mine.” Instead it says “Minne.” Rin wasn’t quite sure what this could mean or if having nonsense on his hip bothered him too terribly (especially considering the sloppy black letters were small, small enough to be hidden by his swimsuit).

Rin never even joked about removing it. Despite being written wrong (which Rin never told Seijuurou. The conversation after went something like “Do you like it?” “…It’s… It’s perfect. I love it.”), and the lines being kind of uneven, it was Seijuurou’s most favorite tattoo that he’s ever done. When they were being intimate, Seijuurou would kiss the marking and repeat “I love you so much.” Rin occasionally thought that his lover wasn’t talking to him, but the tattoo.

Rin could use it now. This threat that he’d been saving for a moment of blind rage, he could say it. He could tell Seijuurou he was going to get it removed, or worse, covered up by a more skilled artist.

He coul’ve said. It was his chance to say something to hurt Seijuurou… except he knew he shouldn’t.

“You…” Rin growled. “You know I hate when you say that.”

Seijuurou scrunched up his nose. “You made me mad.”

“ _You_ made _me_ mad.”

A pause.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I would never say anything to hurt you like that.”

“…I know. I’m sorry.”

Seijurrou used the remote to turn off the television with a sigh and tried to think of the proper thing to say next.

“I’m… dumb as hell,” the burlier redhead admitted.

“I know,” Rin said, smirking as he moved to sit in Seijuurou’s lap. Tan and tatted arms wrapped around a small pale waist that had one little mark of love somewhere only its creator would find.

“You’re the brains,” Seijuurou confessed. “I need you.”

“I know… I’m also the beauty.”

“And the butt.”

Feeling a firm squeeze and seeing Seijuurou’s idiotic smile made Rin roll his eyes.

“Okay, you’re done talking for the day.”

“Yeah, I’ve already gotten myself into enough trouble. Hey, at least I didn’t bring up how Makoto-”

“You had broke even, but now you’re in the negative again, you freaking moron.”

Seijuurou fumbled with the right words as Rin stormed off. Seijuurou hated sleeping alone and often enough after fights, he was able to get Rin to forgive and cuddle with him. Because often enough, Rin was a calm and collected person who knew there were limits to the things one should say. He was pretty patient, submissive, and understanding,

 

You know, except for when he wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give more pairingssss. Or already done pairings and situations. I don't know


	7. Stagnant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru might love water more than he loves Rin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this was supposed to be a RinHaru argument like siberianchan suggested, but Haru arguing is hard/takes some building. So I think I want to write a sequel to this one as well and challenge myself by having it open right in the middle of them arguing as opposed to setting the stage for it.
> 
> Overall, this is more of just a break up and Rin getting irritated than a back-and-forth like I'll do next time.

Maybe I said yes because I like the way Rin smells.

“You guys barely talk. Are you really dating?”

What does dating even mean? I like how he smells and he says he likes me. We call it dating because he texts me every morning and night. It’s dating because I let him kiss me. We’re dating because he asked me “Want to go out?” and I supposed that I did because Rin smells good.

I think it took too long for Rin to realize that I don’t swim all the time. Not like he does. If we’re in the pool, he’s usually swimming. He says I should practice every chance I get. He says I float around and play too much. I never considered it playing. When I’m in the water, I just am.

“To be.”

Water makes me understand this phrase.

In the water, I turn off – my soul and body become one silent existence separate from the ideas of war and peace, man and woman, life and death. I don’t have to do, I don’t I have to try, I just am.

Being surrounded by water is different from being surrounded by people. In a crowd, you must think, be conscious of every action. Words must be carefully chosen for the fear that you might improperly express yourself.

I try to choose my words carefully. People say I’m quiet. I still can’t get my points across well. Only Makoto understands me.

But what do I do when there are things I can’t tell Makoto? Or things that even he doesn’t understand?

Once, I tried to explain to him how the water makes me feel. I think I got frustrated when he just laughed lightly, so I said nothing more. My next words would have been too harsh and with people, you must choose your words carefully.

Makoto asks how I feel about Rin, so I tell him,

“I like how he smells.”

He says, “No, how do you feel about him?”

“We’re dating.”

“I don’t think you get what I mean, Haru.”

I simply blink at him, because I’m not sure what to say to that. He sighs with a smile and says, “Do you love Rin?”

I’m not sure what to say to that either. Is love a requirement for dating? But people date without saying “I love you.” My brain hurts thinking about things that I don’t understand. So, I try to figure it all out.

“Nagisa, what does it mean to be in love?”

“Huh? Oh, doesn’t that mean you want to like kiss someone and hold their hand?”

“Rin kisses me.”

“’Cause he loves you.”

“And I love him?”

“Well, do you?”

Next time I’m alone with Rin on my bed, I curl into him, taking in his clean scent. Staring at the bare skin of his neck, I kiss him. He laughs a little.

He seems really happy as he says, “That tickled.”

So, I hold his hand.

Somehow, it almost starts to make sense to me.

I never do those things again. Not that I hated them. I just don’t think about it. I’d rather float along than have to think about things like remembering to date and love. So I float. And Rin yells at me.

I don’t know what to say to him so I say, “I’m sorry.”

He storms away and I’m left to think. It’s frustrating.

“He left his jacket,” I say to Makoto, holding up the Samezuka swim jersey.

“Apologize to him when you give it back,” Makoto replies.

“It smells like him…”

“Really? It just smells like chlorine. You smell like that all the time too.”

There’s something about Makoto’s words that twist up my brain again. Being surrounded by people can be so much more complicated. I can’t melt into the concepts someone tries to wrap up in a confusing bundle of expressions and words. In water, I can just drift and feel as though my every molecule is going to dissolve into a state of pure being. There is no obligation, responsibility, nothing. Just blissful freedom.

Rin holds my hand as we stand in my living room. I just stare at him, waiting for him to speak.

“How do you feel about me?” he asks.

I get frustrated again because I only know two wrong answers. I don’t know what else to say and I admit to that. He laughs a low laugh.

“Why are we dating if you don’t even like me?”

“I like the way you smell.”

“What about how I make you feel?”

Rin texts me every morning and night. He kisses me. He asks me a lot of questions. People ask me questions about him. He makes me think. Dating him has made me think more than I’ve ever have. I’m always picking words, mind being turned on and active – trying to weigh options and understand myself and others. Dating is so much effort.

He makes me feel… on edge. And nervous. With Rin, I’m self-conscious and always choosing my words carefully.

“You make me feel a lot.”

He lets go of my hand and he’s yelling again.

“Am I just a joke to you? I make you feel a lot of what? Pity? We’re dating, but I always have to talk to you first, kiss you first, you never put in any effort.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop with the ‘I’m sorry’ crap. I love you, Haru. I want to go out with you. I don't want to break up. I want to hold your hand and make you feel at ease, but… do you even know what any of that means?”

“I…”

For some reason, I’m scared to admit that I’m not sure. I’m scared that Rin will keep yelling. For some reason, I want Rin to smile like he did when I kissed him. But I don’t understand why. And it’s so frustrating that I confess to him that I would like to go to the pool.

“You play around too much, Haru. I can’t tell if you take anything seriously. Even my feelings.”

He seems like he’s about to cry. Should I hold his hand? I don’t want him to cry. I move to grab his hand, but stop because I get scared that doing so might somehow make him yell more. I just want Rin to smile.

“When I’m with you,” he says. “I feel like I don’t have to seem smart or cool or impressive. You’ve already seen me at my worst and yet still you’ll hang out with me. Being with you gives me no fear of regret or embarrassment. I stop caring about things that mattered so much to me a second ago. But… I don’t think I make you feel that way.”

“You don't.”

“How do you feel right now, Haru?”

“Scared.”

I’m scared because I don’t want Rin to cry or yell. I want him to smile again but I don’t kiss him like before because what if that’s the wrong thing to do? Why are people so complicated? What does breaking up even mean?

He places a soft peck on my forehead before smiling, but it doesn’t feel right.

“I don’t think this will work out, Haru. I’ll see you later.”

He leaves and forgets his jacket again. I smell it. It smells like him. No, it smells more like chlorine. Or does it smell like me? I never gave it back to him the first time he left it. I’ve been wearing it and now since I guess we’re not dating, I don’t think I can do that anymore.

We’re not dating, right? I think he just broke up with me. I’m not quite sure what that means, but the feeling is familiar. It feels like when you lift yourself out of the water

and into the cold.


	8. Fix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin tells Rei that he's not a bad boy to be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Future Fish AU, so Scientist!Rei and Cop!Rin. Sorry if there are any grammar/spelling mistakes, I tried to give at least a glance over.

Rei sat back in his seat, removing his glasses to wipe off their lenses with his shirt. Returning his spectacles to the bridge of his nose, he leaned forward to scan the pages upon pages of code he had written.

“I still don’t know where the error is,” he sighed.

He spun around in his chair. The computer screen’s light was beginning to give him a headache. He gazed upon the dark apartment, the only light shining from the bedroom where Rin was doing some unknown activity.

Sometimes, Rei thought of cleaning up the clutter. It was a mixture of spare metal parts, blueprints and plans, defected droids, and Rin’s old junk. From video games to trophies to even a nightstick, Rin’s crap had managed to spread all over the apartment, splayed about as though someone had rolled the varying items out like dice.

Rei let out a heavy sigh, thinking of the how crowded the clutter made the small apartment feel and also of the programming problem that daunted him.

Just as he was trying to close his eyes and ease his stress, Rin busted out of their bedroom and stormed into the common area, holding a notebook. He threw it to the ground in front of Rei.

“What the hell is this?” Rin shouted. “What the hell is with ‘Rin is still being argumentative and confrontational?’ What have you been writing about me in your journal?”

“You’re not supposed to go through other people’s things,” Rei said calmly, picking up the notebook. He flipped through its pages, ignoring the fuming Rin standing over him. “I just like to document your behavioral progress is all.”

“Behavioral…” Rin’s face twisted with both anger and disgust. “What the fuck do you think I am?”

Rei didn’t understand why he was being like this. He pouted a bit as he said, “Calm down. Are you mad because I want you to be the best Rin you can be?”

“No,” Rin said, closing his eyes and trying to reel in his rage. “I’m mad because you treat me like some experiment more than your lover.”

They’ve had this argument more times than Rei could count.

“Well who wants to be with someone who’s temperamental? While it’s true that at the start of our relationship I found your attitude appealing-”

“Why?” Rin interrupted. “Because I seem like some cool bad boy you could fix like one of your androids?”

He kicked at a disembodied robot head on the floor.

“That’s not it,” Rei growled, standing.

“Then why do you keep acting like there’s something wrong with me?” Rin shouted. “If you don’t love me as I am-”

“Of course I love you!” Rei’s voice became more desperate. “I’ll always love you.”

“Then act like it!” Seeing tears forming in the corners of Rei’s eyes, Rin softened his tone. “I’m sorry that I don’t want to be transformed by the power of love like some poor sap from a drama… I am who I am, Rei, and you can’t change that.”

“I’m not trying to change who you are! I just,” He paused, trying to think of the words as he put a hand to his heart. “Seeing your smiling face makes me happy. It hurts when you’re sad.” The words were familiar. Rin had said something similar at least once before.

The redhead attempted at a sad smile and brushed a runaway hair from Rei’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Rin said. “You see, the stress of work is… it’s intense. It’s not just a failed chemical reaction or a simple twist of the screwdriver to fix something – In what I do, lives are on the line. A wrong move and someone dies. Come into a room a moment too late and a life is lost. Being on the police force is different from what I had pictured. I wanted to always be the hero, but seeing some of the stuff I’ve seen, I just…”

They’ve had this argument so many times before. Rei knew how Rin was going to mention that it might not have been worth it. He had talked before about how sometimes he thought of quitting because of the fear that he couldn’t save everyone.

“You were my hero,” Rei admitted, letting tears freely roll down his cheeks. “I thought I was going to die, but you pulled me out of that car just in time. There’s so many reasons why I’m glad you did. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have met.”

Rei rested a hand against Rin’s cold cheek.

“You always put yourself in harm’s way for others. It’s scary,” Rei said, stroking Rin’s sad smiling face.

“It’s my job,” Rin said definitively, leaning into the touch.

“I know,” Rei said and bit his lip before continuing. “But picturing a life without you, whether you’re temperamental or not… I can’t do it.”

“It’s my job.”

“I love you for who you are. For all your faults and for all your strengths. Yell at me, hit me, save me, protect me, I don’t care. Just _be_ there.”

“It’s my job It’s my job It’s my job It’s my job It’s my job It’s my jobIt’smyjobIt’smyjobIt’smyjobIt’smyjob”

Rei removed his hand and blinked up Rin. He wiped a few tears from his eyes then moved behind Rin to brush some hair up his neck, revealing a flap. He lifted this flap of faux skin to expose the USB port where he plugged in one end of a white cord, the other end he plugged into the computer. He sat back down at the screen and continued to scroll through the pages upon pages of script he had written.

“I still don’t know where the error is,” he sighed.

His phone rang quietly. Or maybe he ignored it. Or maybe the repeated “It’s my job” was much louder than the repetitive ring. The call cut to voicemail.

 

“ _Hey, Rei, it’s Nagisa. Happy 31 st birthday! So… we were wondering if you wanted to go out tonight. It’s been so long… I mean, we know you miss Rin. We all do. But it’s been 6 years. He left us protecting the people he loved. He would want you to be proud of him, not locking yourself away. He always said how much he loved your smiling face. It would hurt him to see you so sad. As always we’re here to talk if you want. We all want you to be happy too. Can’t we at least talk about it?_”

“ _Are you talking to him? Did he answer?_ ”

“ _…No, I left another message._ ”

“ _Poor Rei… We’ve been trying to get him to come out for years now.”_ A sigh. _“I guess some people just can’t be fixed._ ”


	9. Reply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru's log of text messages with Sousuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's something wrong with meee. I love the idea of crazy Sousuke. 
> 
> WARNING!!: Suicide threats and threats of self-harm

Haru, you up?

[Received Yesterday, 10:52 PM]

 

What are you doing?

[Received Yesterday, 10:52 PM]

 

Are you awake?  
[Received Yesterday, 10:52 PM]

 

I’m awake.

[Sent Yesterday, 10:53 PM]

 

What are you doing?

[Received Yesterday, 10:53 PM]

 

What’re you up to?

[Received Yesterday, 10:54 PM]

 

Was studying. Going to sleep now.

[Sent Yesterday, 10:55 PM]

 

Stay up. Talk to me.

[Received Yesterday, 10:55 PM]

 

[Received Yesterday, 10:55 PM]

 

Reply to me.

[Received Yesterday, 10:55 PM]

 

Im tired.

[Sent Yesterday, 10:56 PM]

 

Don’t lie.

[Received Yesterday, 10:56 PM]

 

Did you just reject my call?

[Received Yesterday, 10:57 PM]

 

It only rang like 3 time

[Received Yesterday, 10:57 PM]

 

Don’t reject my calls.

[Received Yesterday, 10:57 PM]

 

Im tired.

[Sent Yesterday, 10:57 PM]

 

Why are you lying?

[Received Yesterday, 10:57 PM]

 

Why are you being so mean to me?

[Received Yesterday, 10:57 PM]

 

I just want to talk.

[Received Yesterday, 10:58 PM]

 

It feels like we havent talked in forever.

[Received Yesterday, 10:58 PM]

 

I miss you.

[Received Yesterday, 10:58 PM]

 

Are you mad at me?

[Received Yesterday, 10:58 PM]

 

I love you.

[Received Yesterday, 10:58 PM]

 

Don’t go to sleep.

[Received Yesterday, 10:59 PM]

 

Guess my best time at practice today.

[Received Yesterday, 10:59 PM]

 

[Received Yesterday, 10:59 PM]

 

Whatever happened with Hazuki? He all right?

[Received Yesterday, 10:59 PM]

 

Sounded like he had got in trouble.

[Received Yesterday, 11:00 PM]

 

Why won’t you talk to me?

[Received Yesterday, 11:00 PM]

 

Why are you being so mean?

[Received Yesterday, 11:00 PM]

 

If I were Makoto, would you answer my calls?

[Received Yesterday, 11:02 PM]

 

I think we should break up.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:02 PM]

 

No

[Received Yesterday, 11:02 PM]

 

Why

[Received Yesterday, 11:02 PM]

 

Youve been scaring me lately.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:03 PM]

 

Is this about the other day? Im sorry. I said Ill change.

[Received Yesterday, 11:04 PM]

 

I love you.

[Received Yesterday, 11:04 PM]

 

I love you.

[Received Yesterday, 11:05 PM]

 

I dont think Im good for you. I do something to you. I dont think I make you happy.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:05 PM]

 

I love you.

[Received Yesterday, 11:05 PM]

 

No, you are. I love you. You make me so happy. Dont leave me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:06 PM]

 

Why dont you reply to my messages?

[Received Yesterday, 11:07 PM]

 

Answer when I call.

[Received Yesterday, 11:08 PM]

 

Dont be so mean.

[Received Yesterday, 11:09 PM]

 

Why are you doing this I’ve been so nice I listened to you talk about your friends and gotten you gifts do you still have that necklace

[Received Yesterday, 11:10 PM]

 

I want it back.

[Received Yesterday, 11:10 PM]

 

Keep it just don’t break up with me

[Received Yesterday, 11:11 PM]

 

Please say you love me too

[Received Yesterday, 11:11 PM]

 

[Received Yesterday, 11:11 PM]

 

Say something.

[Received Yesterday, 11:11 PM]

 

Im tired. Im going to sleep. Can we talk tomorrow

[Sent Yesterday, 11:12 PM]

 

I’ll cut myself.

[Received Yesterday, 11:12 PM]

 

If you don’t reply to my messages I’ll cut myself and itll be because of you.

[Received Yesterday, 11:12 PM]

 

Stop it. This is what I mean by you scaring me. Please stop acting like this.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:12 PM]

 

Or do you not care about me?

[Received Yesterday, 11:13 PM]

 

I care about you, so stop.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:13 PM]

 

Then reply to my messages.

[Received Yesterday, 11:13 PM]

 

Im replying.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:13 PM]

 

We’re not breaking up, are we?

[Received Yesterday, 11:14 PM]

 

Im sorry.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:14 PM]

 

What does that mean

[Received Yesterday, 11:14 PM]

 

We are

[Sent Yesterday, 11:15 PM]

 

I still want to break up with you because Im worried about you.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:15 PM]

 

Youre such a fucking bitch

[Received Yesterday, 11:16 PM]

 

Cunt

[Received Yesterday, 11:16 PM]

 

Youre fucking trash.

[Received Yesterday, 11:16]

 

You hate me you’ve always hated me you’re fucking filth for not sayin it and you fucking pity date me instead? I hate you

[Received Yesterday, 11:17 PM]

 

You bitch

[Received Yesterday, 11:17 PM]

 

Youre a stuck up snobby asshole and all your friends think so too

[Received Yesterday, 11:18 PM]

 

Reply to me. Dont be like this. Ill hurt myself

[Received Yesterday, 11:18]

 

[Received Yesterday, 11:18 PM]

 

Please stop. You are seriously scaring me.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:19 PM]

 

Why are being so mean to me? What did I do?

[Received Yesterday, 11:19 PM]

 

Is this about the other day? I said sorry.

[Received Yesterday, 11:20 PM]

 

Its not just when you hit me. Its everything. Its that and the time you pushed Makoto and even this conversation. Its everything. Im tired.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:21 PM]

 

I’m sorry.

[Received Yesterday, 11:21 PM]

 

I said I’ll change.

[Received Yesterday, 11:21 PM]

 

Makoto wasn’t even mad about that.

[Received Yesterday, 11:21 PM]

 

Because Makoto is a good guy.

[Sent Yesterday, 11:22 PM]

 

Im not?

[Received Yesterday, 11:22 PM]

 

Are you leaving me for him

[Received Yesterday, 11:22 PM]

 

No

[Sent Yesterday, 11:23 PM]

 

If you do Ill kill myself

[Received Yesterday, 11:23 PM]

 

Please stop. Im scared

[Sent Yesterday, 11:23 PM]

 

Can I come over? I miss you

[Received Yesterday, 11:24 PM]

 

Im tired. Im going to bed. We can talk tomorrow

[Sent Yesterday, 11:24 PM]

 

No because youll say youre breaking up with me again. I don’t want to break up Im scared of what Ill do if you break up with me I love you so much dont act this way

[Received Yesterday, 11:25 PM]

 

I miss you so much.

[Received Yesterday, 11:25 PM]

 

Do you love me?

[Received Yesterday, 11:26 PM]

 

Talk to me.

[Received Yesterday, 11: 26 PM]

 

You hate me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:27 PM]

 

You hate me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:27 PM]

 

Do you hate me?

[Received Yesterday, 11:27 PM]

 

I love you, so reply to me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:28 PM]

 

Dont ignore me Im scared of what Ill do if you ignore me

[Receiveed Yesterday, 11:29 PM]

 

Say that you hate me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:29 PM]

 

Say something.

[Received Yesterday, 11:30 PM]

 

If you dont reply Ill really do it

[Received Yesterday, 11:35 PM]

 

Seriously

[Received Yesterday, 11:35 PM]

 

Reply to me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:36 PM]

 

I hate you so much I love you Im sorry I dont know what to say anymore Im really mad at you I want you to love me

[Received Yesterday, 11:42 PM]

 

I want you to reply to me

[Received Yesterday, 11:42 PM]

 

Even though Im trash, love me

[Received Yesterday, 11:44 PM]

 

Even though Im an asshole, reply

[Received Yesterday, 11:44 PM]

 

Don’t leave me.

[Received Yesterday, 11:45 PM]

 

I hate myself, Haru

[Received Today, 12:00 AM]

 

I hate myself so much

[Received Today, 12:01 AM]

 

Don’t miss me.

[Received Today, 12:01 AM]

 

We can talk now.

[Sent Today, 10:08 AM]

 

Why didn’t you answer my call?

[Sent Today, 10:10 AM]

 

Please answer Rin’s calls

[Sent Today, 10:16 AM]

 

Reply to one of us

[Sent Today, 10:24 AM]

 

This isn’t funny

[Sent Today, 10:34 AM]

 

Answer your phone please

[Sent Today, 11:11 AM]

 

Im sorry

[Sent Today, 12:22 PM]

 

I love you, so answer your phone or reply

[Sent Today, 12:23 PM]

 

Im really sorry we don’t have to break up so answer

[Sent Today, 12:31 PM]

 

Youre scaring me, so say something

[Sent Today, 12:32 PM]

 

Please say something.

[Sent Today, 12:32 PM]

  
Reply.

[Sent Today, 12:34 PM]

 

Say something. I love you, so dont ignore me anymore, Ive learned my lesson, Im sorry

[Sent Today, 1:00 PM]

 

This isn’t funny

[Sent Today, 1:15 PM]

 

Im sorry

[Sent Today, 1:16 PM]

 

Im so sorry

[Sent Today, 1:16 PM]

 

Youre a good guy and I love you

[Sent Today, 1:17 PM]

 

Im sorry

[Sent Just Now]

 

I miss you.

[Send?]


	10. Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seijuurou teaches Haru that the third time's the charm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I even doing anymoreee? This one is much more light than the last couple chapters.

“You can be a fag if you want to, but leave me out of it!” Seijuurou shouted, slamming his locker shut. They had just finished up in the changing rooms and were the only two left. It was the third time Haru had called him out after a practice and the first time Seijuurou got angry.

“I’ve already apologized,” Haru said simply as he quietly closed his locker and turned to look the infuriated redhead in the eyes.

“But you keep fucking-” Seijuurou had to stop himself and exhale. He’d never felt so twisted up before. “Just don’t ever talk to me again, okay? Don’t come near me, don’t so much as look at me.”

Haru’s stares were what pushed him over the edge. Icy blue eyes fit for a queen (Seijuurou thought) piercing him so that he felt naked and vulnerable. It was violating, stimulating in a way he was trained to find unpleasant.

“Okay,” was Haru’s solemn answer as he averted his gaze.

“So, it’s really like that, huh?” Seijuurou said, laughing darkly. “I was told gays are all sluts and perverts.”

Haru blinked as he mulled over Seijuurou’s words until he ultimately said, “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You didn’t even like me,” Seijuurou said, fists against his locker while he stared down at the wet tile. “Just wanted to see if you could get a quick fuck, is that it, fuckin’ homo?

Haru inferred that he was talking about the kiss. This was Haru’s third time asking Seijuurou to wait for him after a practice. It was during the second time that he had kissed his senpai. “That wasn’t it at all. I like you.”

Haru did. He liked Seijuurou so much without really understanding why. Maybe it was because Seijuurou was his complete opposite: Loud, Outgoing, and usually wearing his heart on his sleeve. The only commonality they really shared was swimming. But even still, Haru found himself falling hard for the big idiot. He wanted to always be on the receiving end of that gigantic genuine smile. He wanted to see every side of Seijuurou. He wanted to help him achieve his dreams and wanted Seijuurou to be there congratulating Haru when he achieved his own (whatever those were).

“Don’t say that,” Seijuurou demanded coldly. “Don’t say that nonsense right to my face.”

“Okay,” Haru said, trying to keep his voice from being shaky and being mostly successful.

Part of him had prepared for this kind of reaction. It’s not like Seijuurou had ever given any indication of being even the least bit gay, but there were moments - just seconds of lingering hope before and after the kiss that made Haru’s heart glow.

“Disgusting,” Seijuurou growled, snatching up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “You’re just like a girl, taking whatever’s said to you.”

“Well, what do you want me to do?” Haru said. He turned his back on Seijuurou. “Yell mindlessly like you?”

Ah, he really didn’t want to cry. He had prepared for this reaction. Then again, he had also prepared for “Sorry, I’m not gay” and “I never knew I could like someone as much as I like you.” He doesn’t know why he had spent so much time even considering the last scenario, fantasizing over it, smiling into his pillow because of it.

He should have been prepared after the first time he called Seijuurou out. Back then, Haru had somewhat confessed and the redhead left as though he hadn’t heard anything.

“Smartass,” Seijuurou scoffed. “Like you even can do something like that.”

“I’m not emotionless. I already told you I like you,” Haru said his words very clearly as he picked up his bag and tried not to clench it so tightly that his knuckles turned white. It was hard, but he did it. He began wondering why he was continuing to speak, or even being so honest. Upon his quick realization why, he felt the need to cry even more.

Seijuurou had really rubbed off on him. He admired Seijuurou’s purity and honesty. He envied the way he easily warmed rooms with his laughter. Haru was often stoic and had a hard time getting his true feelings across without getting embarrassed.

“Stop saying that!” Seijuurou pounded a fist against his locker causing Haru to flinch. “Nobody wants to hear gross shit like that!”

Haru turned to look at the older boy. “It’s not gross.”

Seijuurou snarled, “Maybe a fruit like you doesn’t think so but hearing that crap from a guy…” His tone softened towards the end. “What normal man wants to hear that?”

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Haru said, voice firming up a bit.

“Shut up,” Seijuurou said plainly, adjusting his bag and tapping the tips of his shoes to the floor. These were obvious signs he was ready to leave.

But Haru wasn’t ready for him to go. He didn’t want the conversation to end like this. He still had things to say. For once, he felt so talkative, he was afraid a never-ending stream of consciousness was about to pour out of his mouth.

“This sucks,” Haru half-chuckled. “You’re an asshole and I still like you.”

Seijuurou was quick to storm over and grab Haru by his collar.

“You want to get beat up?” The taller boy said through gritted teeth. “Keep talking. I’ll seriously beat the shit out of you.”

“You won’t,” Haru challenged.

“You don’t know me,” Seijuurou said, involuntarily loosening his grip.

“I think I do,” Haru said. “Or maybe I would like to?”

Honesty was hard when you didn’t know the truth yourself.

Seijuurou let go of Haruka and clutched onto his own red locks in exasperation.

“You are,” He said breathlessly. “the most infuriating person I’ve ever met in my whole goddamn life.”

“Why is that?” Haru asked.

Then it happened. Their eyes met and Seijuurou remembered how twisted up he felt. His mind, body, and soul a jumble of knots and throbbing confusion. It hurt to think and feel and be. He felt like he was being undressed and exposed and filled with a warmth that he didn’t ask for - something so scalding it felt freezing. A blue fire, ah, wait, Seijuurou recalled there’s a name for this sensation - when your nerve’s sensors send the wrong signal, feel so strongly they get confused - a paradoxical cold.

A pause.

“I’m out of here,” Seijuurou said gruffly, moving to the door.

“Wait!” Haru called out a bit more desperately than he meant to.

“What is it?” Seijuurou said, stopping despite his better judgment. “You want me to wait, what the hell is it that you have to say to me now?”

“I don’t know,” Haru admitted pitifully. He knew the tears could be heard clearly in his voice. He barely understood himself, how did even begin to believe he could get Seijuurou? “I just don’t want you to go yet.”

“Shit’s ridiculous,” Seijuurou muttered to himself, hand on the doorknob.

“If you’ve been thinking about me, then don’t go,” Haru pleaded. “If the reason you hate me is because I confuse you, then don’t go. If you’re the kind person I know you are, then don’t go. If there is something - _anything_ \- about me that will make you stay and talk to me, think of that thing, hold it in your mind tightly, and don’t go.”

Seijuurou could hear them. The tears that had formed in Haru’s voice before they started rolling down his cheeks. The redhead cursed a couple of times to himself. He wanted to bash his head against the door. He wanted to leave while running a mental slideshow of cute girls. He wanted to keep telling himself the things he had been telling himself all these years.

Instead all he could do was replay that kiss in his head. As well as Haru’s rare smiles. And Haru’s body moving through the water. Not to mention Haru’s cute peeks during practice, those stares (they pushed him over the edge). And of course that kiss. Over and over. That kiss that he held onto.

“What the hell are you really?” Seijuurou mumbled, releasing the doorknob from his grasp. He turned to look at the crying brunet that he’d never meant have feelings for. “Otherworldy… It’s not even fair.”

He strode over to the shorter boy and hesitated before wrapping his arms around him. They spent a few silent moments like this until Seijuurou grumbled, “Fuck. Uhgg. Fuuuuuck. I’m not gay, okay?”

“Okay,” Haru said, nuzzling himself into Seijuurou, getting the elder’s shirt a little damp.

“I’m… something else, I guess,” Seijuurou said more to himself than to Haru. “Or you’re an exception. I don’t know. Crap. Seriously, man. Crap.”

Seijuurou could feel all those twists coming undone and that heat simmering down. He could feel his wants changing and his usual honesty felt familiar again.

“I’m sorry,” Haru said simply. He was worn out. He just wanted to sleep. He could never be constantly open like Seijuurou. It was so much work.

“It’s really your fault,” Seijuurou playfully complained, blushing. “It really is your fault, you know that?”

“I’m sorry. I just really like you.”

“I know. That’s okay.”

The first time Haru called Seijuurou out, he confessed. The second time, he kissed Seijuurou. And third time was the first time Seijuurou kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on doing a SouMako sequel, but I just have so many ideas running through my head that I'll probably get the ChiGou one I've planned first. After that I really don't know.


	11. Dragging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto realizes there might be someone Sousuke hates more than himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to post this. It's basically SouMako getting their feelings out, but I think there needs to be one more where things truly get settled.

More than Sousuke hates himself, he hates Mikoshiba Seijuurou. He hates the way the redhead laughs, the way he smiles, the way he makes everyone else laugh and smile, the way he swims, the way he brings people together, the way he can carry a conversation, the way he so naturally takes care of others, the way he manages to be a dazzling and mature man, and most of all the way Makoto looks at him.

Sousuke has tried to gain confidence. Really. When he’s with Makoto, he tries to think “Makoto is perfect and he chose me,” but ends up saying “What’s with that outfit? You really thought you could pull off that look?” He hates himself for it, but what he hates even more is the way Seijuurou chimes in, “You must be crazy, Sousuke! That looks hella good on you, Makoto!”

But what Sousuke hates most is Makoto’s giggly “Thanks!”

Makoto likes Seijuurou. Sousuke is sure of it. When he and Makoto bumped into the older Mikoshiba while shopping, Sousuke figured it out. Makoto likes Seijuurou way more than he likes Sousuke. But Seijuurou is straight. On one hand, Sousuke is comforted that this little fact will keep Makoto as his, but on the other, it hurts more than anything knowing that the simple matter of sexuality is the only the thing keeping them together.

He wishes he had enough confidence to say that even if Seijuurou liked Makoto, that the brown-haired beauty would still choose Sousuke. But Sousuke knew that wasn’t true.

Sousuke knew the exact moment when it started. It was when Seijuurou put his arm around Makoto at the arcade. The couple had run into him once again and the older boy beat Makoto at a first person shooter.

“Why are you so good at this?” Sousuke had asked Seijuurou with a smirk. “You really have time to play games like this when you should be practicing or studying? College must be a joke to you.”

The redhead had seemed slightly taken aback, but he brushed any strange feelings off and smiled.

“My brother and I used to play this one all the time,” Seijuurou explained. “Makoto really gave me a run for my money though!”

“I didn’t at all,” Makoto replied, tapping Seijuurou with the plastic gun. “You’re way too good at this, Seijuurou-san!”

“Was this your first time playing?”

“No, I’ve played against Rin once or twice.”

“Ah, he’s so bad at games like these. Did you win?”

“...Ah, he is pretty bad…”

“Ahaha! Of course you won! There’s a trick to these types of things, though, you know? Aim a little higher than what you want to hit.”

“Oh, I try to but it’s hard…”

As Seijuurou put more coins into the game (so he could properly demonstrate his tactic), Sousuke realized he had completely fallen out of the conversation. Not only that, but his attack had been brushed off like it was nothing. More so, it was used to create a positive vibe. He hated it.

After that, he couldn’t stop.

When Seijuurou laughed, “Wow, that guy is too loud.”

When Seijuurou raced, “If he would stop playing around, his time would be better.”

When Seijuurou talked to girls, “What a pathetic skirt chaser.”

When Seijuurou came out as bisexual, “Gross. Someone like him has probably has more partners than he can remember. A girl or guy would have to be an absolute idiot to get with him - just another number in that asshole’s black book.”

Makoto hits Sousuke lightly and says, “Don’t say that about Seijuurou-san.”

“Don’t you think though?” Sosuke asks during their walk to Sousuke’s dorm. “He’s the type who’s too flashy and just wants to have fun. A real romance wouldn’t be possible for someone like him.”

He can feel it. His look is painfully glum right now, but he doesn’t know how to liven things up or change the subject. His mind can’t get away from the thought of Seijuurou and Makoto running off together.

The lighter brunet is gazing sadly at the concrete as he mumbles, “I don’t think…”

Sousuke wants to tell himself “Makoto is perfect and no matter what, he’ll always choose me,” but instead he says aloud, “You like that fuckin’ tool, don’t you?”

Makoto flinches and says, “I don’t!”

“You do,” Sousuke insists, stopping and grabbing Makoto’s wrist. They stay there for a moment, silent under a blinking streetlight.

Sousuke is glaring at Makoto and his helpless boyfriend isn’t sure what to do or say. Makoto starts piecing things together. The way Sousuke talks about Seijuurou, the way he treats him, the way he avoids him, and most of all the way he looks at him - eyes filled with envy.

“I don’t,” Makoto says a little more firmly.

“Why wouldn’t you?” Sousuke chuckles darkly. “He’s perfect, isn’t he? He’s got the body, the air of cool adult, and unlike me he’s got an otherworldly ego.”

“How many times will we have to talk about--”

“What?” Sousuke’s grips tightens, nails digging into Makoto’s skin, but the slightly shorter boy doesn’t let an ounce of the pain show. “Talk about my confidence? Talk about how I’m supposed to feel like number one when you’re always looking at that guy? How the hell am I supposed to feel better about myself when you do shit like that, Mako?”

“I don’t do that, Sousuke,” Makoto says. “Now, let go. It hurts.”

Sousuke pushes Makoto up against the streetlight and it flickers off. They’re shrouded in the darkness of a lonely road as Sousuke all but snarls at Makoto, his blue eyes glowing in a likeness akin to a wolf’s.

“So, you like me more?” Sousuke asks. “Don’t lie.”

“...Not right now,” Makoto has a tear forming and he’s never wanted more to heal the pain in Sousuke’s heart. He hates himself. Because every time he thinks he’s helping his lover, he comes to find he’s actually hurting him.

Sousuke holds Makoto in place by his waist, fingers leaving bruises, digging in hard enough to make Makoto hiss.

“So maybe I’m getting a little mad at you right now, but you know what that guy would be doing?” Sousuke says, words sometimes being grinded out between his teeth. “He would cheat on you, Mako. I’m better than him, because he’s just a player who is probably going to end up quitting school and lazing around, having sex and partying because he’s not the type to fall in love. You’re the type for that. And while you’ll fall deeply in love with him, he’ll hurt you. Over and over again.”

“You’re hurting me,” Makoto squeaks, grabbing at Sousuke’s hands.

“Think about it that way,” Sousuke says, placing a less than gentle kiss on Makoto’s forehead. “I’m better than him, aren’t I? I’m better than him.”

“You’re not!” Makoto shouts pounding a fist on Sousuke’s chest. “Seijuurou-san is a hard-working and generous guy who is always looking after people and trying his best to make everyone happy. He would never deceive someone he loves or compromise his dream for frivolous moments. He’s a good person and you’re not going to convince me otherwise or make me hate him as much as you do.”

Makoto lets out a sad sigh.

Sousuke says nothing then steps away from Makoto. When Makoto looks up at him, Sousuke is crying. Tears stream freely as his fists clench hard and he bites his lip.

“I don’t know what to do, Mako,” Sousuke says. “I don’t want to lose you. You’re the best thing about me. I’m so proud to have someone like you loving me. He deserves you so much more than I do, but maybe I have a bigger ego than I thought because I don’t want to let you go, but I really don’t know what to do to keep you. I tell myself that you’re perfect and you’ll still choose me, but I… I…”

Makoto’s brow furrows. He doesn’t know what to do either. He loves Sousuke. Really. And he can admit to himself that he has had the slightest crush on Seijuurou, but he wants to make Sousuke happy. A part of him says he can't do it. A part of him only thinks of the times he’s made Sousuke sad or angry. Makoto’s afraid that maybe he would be happier with a man like Seijuurou, but he doesn’t want to hurt Sousuke. And even more than he’s afraid that he can’t make Sousuke happy, he’s afraid that no one can.

“I don’t know what to do either, Sousuke,” Makoto says, unable to stop himself from also crying. “I just wish you could love yourself the way I love you.” He tries hopelessly to wipe away the non-stop tears with his shirt sleeves. “But I can’t make you do that. I don’t want to be with anybody else. When we aren’t having problems, I really love the way you make me feel at ease. The way you protect me. The way you make me smile and the way I’m the only one you look at so lovingly. I’m so proud to have someone like you loving me. I love the way you swim and the way you watch over your friends and the way you take everything seriously, I’ve never seen someone as determined as you.”

Sousuke makes like he’s about to say something, but Makoto closes his eyes and cries even harder.

“I love the way you text me every day,” Makoto continues. “The way you always ask me about my day and rarely feel the need to talk about yourself. I love the way you kiss me and the way you hold me like I’m the most precious thing in the world to you. I love the way I can picture the rest of my life happily with you whether we’re rich or poor, whether it’s us against the world or filled with friends, whether we’re healthy or sick, I picture our future and I’m still happy. I’m so happy because I’m with someone who loves me in a way no one else can.”

By the end of his speech, Makoto looks like little more than an adorable blob of tears and sniffles. Sousuke doesn’t know what to do, so he holds Makoto like he’s the most precious thing in the world, because he is to Sousuke. Really.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there's one more story for these two and being honest, I'm not sure if it ends with them together. Because Sousuke needs to work on himself before being able to be in a healthy relationship and as long as he's with Makoto, he probs doesn't feel the need to do that ("You're the best thing about me.") Like I write these happy little endings despite totally disagreeing with them lol
> 
> I think I wanted to write something like this as a separate story (because SouMakoSei are my favorite characters omg I love them ;_;) but nah, screw it, I'm just posting it hereeeee


	12. Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nitori falls out of love with Rin.

He had forgotten why she said it, but it was something that stuck with Nitori. A comparison his Economics teacher once made.

“It’s like the first bite of pizza.”

It was about the value of a product deteriorating as it sits on the market or something.

“You’re so excited for that pizza and that first bite is so good.”

He didn’t remember much about that class except this analogy.

“And so is the second and third…”

And how the boy in the front row was always asleep.

“But then the fourth bite is all right and fifth and so on don’t taste as good.”

He remembered it so well.

“By the end, you don’t even want the crust.”

He supposed that this was a similar situation. Because he remembered being very happy. He remembered confessing at Rin’s graduation with a face so hot that he feared passing out. He could paint the scene of Rin giving him his second button in the cherry blossoms like a moment straight from a manga or drama. He could paint it, but not very well since he wasn’t much of an artist.

Nitori could admit that he wasn’t much of athlete either. He felt he wasn’t much of anything so he  was surprised when Rin accepted his feelings.

Honeymoon phase didn’t even begin to describe Nitori’s happiness. Not a day would go by without Nitori calling Rin three times in one hour and when they were together, he couldn’t let go of Rin’s hand. He’d created so many sweet little cavity-causing pet-names, Rin once thought of calling Guinness.

And the praise he’d give. His admiration had only increased after they started dating. Before he treated Rin like a king, but now he’d become a god. Even through his screaming and occasional hitting, Rin could do no wrong. He was perfect at everything and Nitori was just a mere mortal happy to even be basking in such a merciful glow.

And Rin needed Nitori. He craved Nitori like a parasite searches out a host body, drinking in Nitori’s words as fuel for races, tests, life, everything. He functioned because of every “Aweosme!” and “You’re so amazing!” Without it, he might collapse. Nitori’s words were the fog on a mirror that Rin wasn’t sure he wanted to see.

But then the first month went by.

Nitori remembered the button and the happiness and the hand-holding.

It was so good as well as the second and the third.

Nitori remembered the late night calls and the praise and the pet-names sprinkled with disagreements.

But then came the fourth month and the fifth.

Nitori remembered the attempted dates and the arguing and the feeling of forgetting to bring a sacrifice to a shrine.

“You used to be so cute. What happened?”

It was actual pain for Nitori. Words that cut him so deep, he was able to see the truth in them.

“You don’t think I’m good at anything anymore? What? You think I’m like you?”

He told himself that Rin didn’t mean to be so right about the hurtful things. He told himself it was his fault for no longer being able to see Rin’s glow. There was something wrong with him, not Rin.

“Usually I lose a race and you would say ‘good job, you will do better next time’ and now…”

Nitori could only sit and listen because he didn’t want to get hit again which he knew Rin didn’t mean to do. He was just angry that Nitori was changing. Nitori knew it was his fault.

“You think that because we’re dating you can just be there and not say anything? That’s lame, Ai. Seriously. Why are you even still here? Didn’t you just need to pick something up? Go home.”

Nitori stood up with a blank face and made his way towards the door.

“I can’t stand looking at you right now. Seriously.”

With his hand on the door, Nitori turned to Rin and said, “Your apartment is messy, you should clean it up.”

Rin scoffed. “Says the queen of clutter. It’s mostly Sousuke’s mess. Go home.”

“That was rude,” Nitori said with a shockingly firm voice. “Don’t say things like that.”

Nitori was honestly shocking himself. He wasn’t sure where this was coming from. Maybe Rin’s words had cut him so deep that the truth was now leaking, no, rushing out.

Another scoff. “What? Are you mad?”

“... Yes. Yes, I’m mad at you, Rin.”

“Do you see what I mean?” Rin asked. “What happened to ‘Rinrin?’ Or ‘Darling?’ No, that’s not how you said it, you put my name in it. How did you say it? DalRing? DaRlin?”

“Rin,” Nitori’s voice still firm enough for a falling god to pay attention. “I’m going home. But I don’t think I’ll want to ever come back.”

“What are you talking about?”

He thought of the analogy and the pizza and felt ridiculous so he said, “I think we’re too far in. I think we’re at the end.”

Rin merely repeated, “What are you talking about?”

“Are you in love with me?” Nitori asked, still gripping the doorknob.

Rin rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “ _I_ should be the one asking that! When was the last time you -”

“When have you ever praised me?” Nitori ignored the waver in his tone that he had tried to avoid. “It’s always ‘You are getting better’ or ‘Keep trying.’ While I appreciate your support, when will I be on the pedestal?”

“I praise you all the time!” Rin stomped his foot, glaring at his lover. “In your swimming and your schoolwork, everything!”

“No, you don’t!” Words flooded from Nitori’s mouth stronger than the dam of his mind that tried to contain them. “You treat me like some machine where you can just put in attention and get out all the justification you need to keep being who you are instead of growing into a better person.”

Finally it was the last bite. The fog had lifted to reveal a reflection. Everything felt finished. And painfully real. There was something about what his teacher has said and he couldn’t get it out his head. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be an adult.

“Go home, Ai. _Go._ ”

Wordlessly, Nitori left. He ran back to his dorm. Sprinted. Ran faster than he felt like he’d ever had. Felt freer than ever. He told himself that the tears were from the wind bombarding his eyes. He was going so fast he thought he might have grown wings. Suddenly he found himself wondering what his hobbies were other than swimming, what he’d be good at. He wondered if he’d remember this moment. He wondered if he was the crust or if maybe Rin was. He wondered if he’d be a good economist.

 **  
**Mostly he wondered if it was okay. If it was okay how much he was currently praising himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People are weird and complicated.


End file.
